Playing Small

There is a quote, by Marianne Williamson, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." This quote has been with me for years and continues to take on meaning as I learn and grow.

As I chase my dreams and put them out there, I have few fears of success or failure that come from inside of me. I know with all that I am, that this is exactly what I should be doing, in this minute. My fears come from the inability to retract what is exposed and left for others to evaluate. For this reason, I have been playing small.

Most of my life I have followed. I became very good at smoke and mirrors, and even received a great deal of recognition for it. I was praised for this or that and I began to believe it was all that I was. I continued to play small. Through a great deal of reflection and the search for true joy, I have learned that playing small is serving no purpose.

I, like you, have so much to give. I, like you, will not experience all of the blessings this life has to offer, until I stand in the light of all that I am. It's risky, I get that. But, I feel that there is a greater risk in not fulfilling our life's work, that comes from honoring who it is we were created to be.

Right now, for me, this means I throw my hands up on the air, spin in circles, and shine. Not because it looks a certain way to certain people, but because it is my time. I don't want to be bigger than life; I want to be full of it. I want to pass this knowledge on to girls and help them to stop looking outward, but learn what it feels like to be filled with the self. To know that who you are, your thoughts and beliefs, your likes and dislikes, are just as they should be.

I am 31 years old. I feel fortunate to be learning this lesson now. But oh, wouldn't it be great to have our girls growing up with a group that is connected by its desire to understand their unique gifts and talents, rather than playing small in order to be the same as everyone else? This is not a deliberate lesson, no one teaches our girls to play small, but what if they were taught not to?

Now, I'm Ready...For Real This Time. (I Think)

April 21, it's the last time I blogged. I have lots of reasons, the attack from the bandwagon of angry nuns. That, was something! But...I have been stalling. {The nuns bit, totally true, angry nuns mind you.} Do you ever think you are ready, you stand at the edge of the pool, in full dive position, but you just know how cold it is. You are ready...right? Or maybe no?

Well this time, August (I don't know the date because I'm not working), I am ready. The water is cold, and I'm jumping in.

I have now launched my web page for Roots and Wings. http://jdraper.webs.com exposes my dreams to the world. It's out there and I'm not turning back. I'm thinking that Red was jipped when not given credit for her amazing bravery upon seeing The Big Bad Wolf on her way to Grandmother's house. I mean really, it was totally overlooked. There she is, a young girl on the path to her grandmother's house, and a wolf confronts her. She didn't turn back, she didn't even kick him in the knees. She boldly told him where she was going. I like Red, know where I am going, and am ready to tell every wolf in my way. {You follow? because this is really what goes on in my head...crazy I know.}


So Mr. Wolf, here it is. Come and get me! I'm working on a three year plan for Roots and Wings. I am chunking it into yearly segments, and breaking the first year into three month goals, to be further broken down weekly. I am dreaming big. I'm not talking big like "How nice", I mean BIG like, "NUT UH". These girls will change the world. Not only will we meet weekly for our connection group, we will have monthly events to impact our community. We will travel inside of the United States to experience the wonder our country has to offer, but also leave the country to better understand our significance in the world.

My girls will understand that their value comes from a place within. It has always been there waiting to be recognized, and celebrated, and shared. This is not a skill, it's not a talent, a stupid human trick, or a one time deal. It is endless and with more power than magic or fear, or even misunderstanding. My girls will understand how complete they are in their ever evolving state and even more, recognize it in others. My girls will celebrate who they are and pass it on. My girls will change this world.

I am very tempted to place an Oprah proclamation here, however it is so much bigger than that. Whoa! Yep! My girls will know their value not by external recognition but by the ability to sleep soundly with an intimate understanding of who they are and the internal pride that comes from being OK with that person.

How am I getting there? I am developing curriculum to begin in schools with girls grades 3-5 this year. My goal is to be in at least 2 schools in January. I am planning community events for girls of all ages in conjunction with the Breast Cancer 3Day and, Trick or Treat for Cans on Halloween. I am talking with volunteers and making note of their unique abilities in order to plug them in accordingly. I am researching other girls' programs in order to establish my unique gift to my girls. I am facing my own fears, I am walking boldly in the direction of my dreams.

There will be more to come, updates, setbacks, celebrations. But I'm coming. I'm standing in the light that illuminates my path and although not always clear, it is mine to discover. I'm ready... for real this time!

I'm Ready

I find myself in that place of wonder, a familiar place that is no longer uncomfortable but welcomed as part of a process bigger than myself. I now have a deeper understanding of people, of heartache, of stress, of wishing things were somehow different. I understand the way thoughts create emotion and hope creates opportunity. I understand what it means to fight for something you believe in, looking within when you just wish everyone else would change, and what it means to extend a hand and to receive one.

I am leaping on faith. I have had a dream that has bubbled within me for as long as I can remember. Over time it has changed, grown, narrowed in focus, transformed, and ultimately transcended anything I could identify with, and become something that is something I can only be fortunate to be a tiny part of. I wish here I could give a flowery description of what it looks like, a colorful visual to see and admire, but it's not there yet. It is simply an undenyable feeling that greatness lies ahead and I am walking boldly.

I know that my next path will lead me closer to my life's work. I whole heartedly believe I am here to impact lives. I feel it is not about us, but about giving our life in a way that can honor others, serve where there is need, and lift people to reflect the light within that they may not see on their own.

This year I decided to leave teaching. Since then, I have had more reassurance, and more certainty than ever before. I am nervous, however I know that when I walk in the direction of all I am designed to be, willing to give all that I have received, I will be OK. I too know that the lessons, both difficult and rewarding are all aligned with the fulfillment of my highest calling.

There was a time that I wanted life to be easy, for decisions to be made for me, to know the plan before it was formed. Now, I just want to walk boldly into the unknown. I have been shown my own strength, given the lessons I have needed to learn, and the ability to see more clearly than before. I'm not "there" there is so much more to learn and take in, but I am thankful rather than resisting. I am learning to surrender.

The lessons are not easy, but are so worth it when they lead to a calling higher than myself. It is all here. It dances around me. I am learning, and taking it in, reflecting, and have my eyes and heart open to the process. I am thankful for the people in my life that help me along the way as support, reflection, and opportunities to grow.

I don't know what is next for me. I don't know what it looks like. But, I am ready.

The Space Between

I have been feeling this post bubble inside me for some time now. I have turned away from letting it out as though posting my thoughts and feelings here would somehow make them more real than had they been kept inside. I know better. I understand the false sense of security I withhold in my mind as just that...false. At the same time I don't want to be in the middle.



Confused much? I never dreamed this is where I would sit. I feel that I am in the space between where I have been and where I am to go. Both places seem clear in many ways, however I know there are lessons I will continue to learn from my past and so much of my future I cannot yet comprehend.

I have prided myself on knowing, having the answers, figuring things out. I am learning that much of it has been trickery to convince myself that where I was going would be right for me. I am excellent at convincing even myself of certain truths in my life. I have done this with my career, marriage, parenting, friendships, my idea of what things "should" look like. What is the actual truth? I am in a place of uncertainty. I have created, or so I have come to believe, a sense of security as though I am creating my destiny. Like I alone make the decisions of my life.



I don't honestly believe I do this alone. I think there are many factors that play into who we are and the path we take, but nothing in me actually believes that I do it alone. So why is it I feel the responsibility to know the next steps?

I know this place, in the stillness, between the known and unknown, the game with myself I am learning to drop, will lead to incredible growth. I know I will rise stronger, more sure, with more clarity and insight, but it feels miserable. It is as though I have an internal fight going on with the ability to surrender and the desire to manipulate. My mind has been a powerful tool to get me where I am. It has worked very well in the past. I want now a better balance. I want to follow my knowing. I want to lean into the physical unknown where the internal and spiritual are at peace. I want to let reason settle down and shine more light on the space within that feels the path ahead with eyes closed and heart wide open. I no longer want to manipulate my surroundings into what I think they should be but soften my focus and allow things to unfold in their own time.

I don't have the answers. I don't actually want them. I just want the peace that comes from trusting in all that is bigger than myself. I know it exists. I truly feel it with my father's passing. I am simply learning to let go of all the tricks I have played, all the credit I have taken, and fully surrender to what is true and beyond what I could wish or dream for myself. Been there?

It's in There

There have been many lessons I have learned and continue to learn since the passing of my father. I experience sadness and joy, pain and bliss, and people with their own agenda and those who reach out. This Christmas has been difficult as I am a girl that does not like change. We had decided to stay busy this year, make 3 family visits in Florida and wake up Christmas morning at my mom's house.



To make another long story short, Jason broke his ankle Wednesday, December 18th playing basketball and will need surgery Tuesday, December 23. Needless to say, our Christmas plans have changed and we will be home.



I just wanted Christmas to feel like "Christmas". I wanted to feel joy and the magic of Christmas and know that it exists even without my father. I was so sad. We had no tree and I feared we would put Teague to bed, after looking for Rudolf's nose, and just look at each other. I have had many people ask what they could do and offer their help if needed. I really am so fortunate to have so much more than many others and decided that this year would just be difficult emotionally and allow my spirit to heal.



This morning, my friend Donna arrived at the house with another co-worker and delivered an 11 foot pre-lit Christmas tree. There are no words. They just swooped in, put the tree together, plugged it in, and left. They wanted nothing but to give. They wanted to give me a "normal" Christmas. I didn't have to ask, or hint, they just knew. They saw my heart, slapped on a band aid, and left. Teague immediately began taking the ornaments he made in school and hung them on the tree. He clinched his hands at his chest in joy and admiration of his work. For the next couple of hours I stood in awe at their love. This tree is no more beautiful than any other, but to me it is perfection. It is a representation of Christmas.



I kept telling myself it's not about a tree or presents, and it's not. It's about the people you love and living your live in a way that regularly shows the ones you love that you love them. This world is filled with sadness, and hatred, and greed. I get that. It is also full of compassion, and generosity, and love. It's all in there, we just have to be ready and open enough to see it.



My Christmas could be filled with sorrow and heart break. I could choose to focus on what everyone else has or what I wish things were like, but why. Our lives are equally filled with a balance of all that exists in the world. What is the secret in the sauce? What's the secret in the noodles? There is no secret! It's all in there. Just be willing to see it. Open your eyes to all this world has to offer, because focusing on all we wish we could change, doesn't allow us to see what is right before us. There is balance, it's in there...and we got a Christmas tree!

As Time Passes

It has now been one month. One month since I woke up knowing it was the day I would loose my father. One month since I went to the funeral home to see what Daddy had planned. One month since Jason and I stole mums from the front porches of unsuspecting people in Jamestown for Daddy's funeral. One month since I held my Daddy's hand. One month since I sat with family telling stories of all my Daddy did, and lived through. One month since the world stopped turning...yet it didn't.

One month ago I stood by my father's side and told him he had done everything right. One month ago I held his hand until he took his last breath. It has been one month and time continues to move. I somehow thought that without my father my world would be empty, or wrong somehow. I have learned, as time passes, that everything my father ever gave me still exists. I have learned that the love I have for him just grows and grows each day. I have learned that each day still holds wonder, and joy, and sadness all in the same space.

I have learned so much in the past month about peace. I had lived for so many years in the fear of loosing my father. Daddy was my everything. He was the one who gave me wings and held in his own sadness as I took flight. Daddy only wanted the best for me and did all he could to make sure I was happy, and fulfilled, and supported. I have learned that all of that only grows. What Daddy has given me would be wrapped in brown paper bags, probably smell of smoke, and involve super glue, but it's all just as amazing on the inside.

I have learned that the gifts I've been given are bigger than life and even death. I have learned that unconditional love can't be explained or demonstrated, only felt and passed on. I somehow thought that once Daddy passed, I would no longer feel our relationship or that I would somehow feel a piece missing. I know now that our relationship transcends time and space and when he left, I remained whole.

I miss his phone calls after 9 pm. I miss being able to call him and share my excitement, frustration, and sadness, and I miss hearing his voice. But, I don't wish for what no longer is. I don't wish for my father as he was, and I don't long for the past or the future. I remain in this moment, bask in the love that he showed and taught me, and am thankful to have been his daughter.

As time passes, I know each day will be different, but I know that the love I have for my father will only grow and become richer and more majestic than it is today, or tomorrow, or the tomorrow after that.

The Enormity of Love

My father's passing has brought many emotions, however I never dreamed that love would rise to the top.

Daddy had always been my biggest advocate and even if it meant that he would somehow struggle, he wanted the absolute best for me. I was always first. My needs, wants, hopes, dreams, and heart's desire came first.

Daddy and I freely expressed our love, for as long as I can remember, and it is that which carries me. I spoke to a friend on the way to the airport as I rushed to be by my father's side, and she asked if there was anything I wanted to say to him. I couldn't believe there was nothing. I of course, wanted to tell him that I loved him as many times as I could, and that he had done everything right, but even if I didn't get that chance I knew he knew. As I stood by my daddy there were no words. All I could do was love him. It is such a wonderful feeling to know the enormity of his love and know that if I had two more minutes, hours, days or decades, there would be no more words to express our love. I am blessed to know this feeling.

After Daddy passed, I spent considerable time in his house, and found such treasures. My dad valued the little things that strangers would have thrown out. I found hand written recipes that were from my great grandmother, The Great One we called her. There were cards I had mailed over the years just to tell my father how much I loved him. I found pictures I had colored as a child, notes I had written, and the hospital bracelet from when I was born. Locked in a briefcase were no insurance papers, no money, nothing of monetary value...but a card from his parents and grand parents from when he was confirmed.

Daddy saved and treasured what mattered most. Daddy held on to love from family and friends. To Daddy, people mattered. The things you said and did mattered. When I look at his life I know I mattered. He told me with his words, showed me with his actions, and cherished when I did the same. Really, what else is there?

I am moved, embraced, and lifted by the enormity of his love.