I have been feeling this post bubble inside me for some time now. I have turned away from letting it out as though posting my thoughts and feelings here would somehow make them more real than had they been kept inside. I know better. I understand the false sense of security I withhold in my mind as just that...false. At the same time I don't want to be in the middle.
Confused much? I never dreamed this is where I would sit. I feel that I am in the space between where I have been and where I am to go. Both places seem clear in many ways, however I know there are lessons I will continue to learn from my past and so much of my future I cannot yet comprehend.
I have prided myself on knowing, having the answers, figuring things out. I am learning that much of it has been trickery to convince myself that where I was going would be right for me. I am excellent at convincing even myself of certain truths in my life. I have done this with my career, marriage, parenting, friendships, my idea of what things "should" look like. What is the actual truth? I am in a place of uncertainty. I have created, or so I have come to believe, a sense of security as though I am creating my destiny. Like I alone make the decisions of my life.
I don't honestly believe I do this alone. I think there are many factors that play into who we are and the path we take, but nothing in me actually believes that I do it alone. So why is it I feel the responsibility to know the next steps?
I know this place, in the stillness, between the known and unknown, the game with myself I am learning to drop, will lead to incredible growth. I know I will rise stronger, more sure, with more clarity and insight, but it feels miserable. It is as though I have an internal fight going on with the ability to surrender and the desire to manipulate. My mind has been a powerful tool to get me where I am. It has worked very well in the past. I want now a better balance. I want to follow my knowing. I want to lean into the physical unknown where the internal and spiritual are at peace. I want to let reason settle down and shine more light on the space within that feels the path ahead with eyes closed and heart wide open. I no longer want to manipulate my surroundings into what I think they should be but soften my focus and allow things to unfold in their own time.
I don't have the answers. I don't actually want them. I just want the peace that comes from trusting in all that is bigger than myself. I know it exists. I truly feel it with my father's passing. I am simply learning to let go of all the tricks I have played, all the credit I have taken, and fully surrender to what is true and beyond what I could wish or dream for myself. Been there?
