Loss and Life After

Six years.

It’s been six years since I stood by his side and told him he did everything right. It’s been six years since I held his hand and told him it was OK to let go. Six years ago I lost my father, but gained tremendous gifts.

My father had problems with his heart and lungs. His health had been deteriorating for years and living out of state, I dreaded the phone calls that came in the night. I had such an overwhelming sense of dread knowing my father would one day pass. I believed that when the day came, the air would no longer exist and I wouldn't be able to breath. Without my father, I didn't know who I was.

And then he passed, and I was OK.

I sat in my Aunt Barb’s house, my father’s sister, and noticed the depth of color of the October leaves outside her window. I noticed the sweet smell of cinnamon bread in the toaster, and know I would be OK. I knew that if I could continue to see the beauty around me, and take in the sweet smells of life, that joy would still exist. In those brief seconds, everything I thought to be true, was changing.

I allowed myself to feel it. I allowed myself to feel sadness, but also sing along with the radio. I allowed myself to miss my father, and cry as I made his fried potatoes. I allowed all of the feelings to exist, and by doing so I realized that I wasn't stuck, as I thought I would be. I was going to be OK

I adopted the phrase, “It won’t always feel like it does now,” and have lived by it since.

After losing my father, some of the greatest heartaches and challenges of my life surfaced. I was broken, lost, and wanted my father. Then, I knew that if I could live through my father’s passing, I could work through any challenges that came my way. I knew that I could do anything.

I believe, wholeheartedly, that the challenges in our lives come to us at the times we have the tools to handle them. Another phrase I have adopted, “You have everything you need, in this moment, to get through this,” has been my mantra since.

When my father was not there for me to lean on, I learned who I was. I learned who I am. I learned about grit, grace, forgiveness, humility, integrity, and the enormity of love. I learned what I’m made of. I know that in the midst of it all, he is in there, too. I knew that although I couldn't hear the audible words of my father, I knew exactly what he would say.  I sincerely believe that I was able to face the challenges in my life because of my experience in losing my father. That, was a gift.

My husband is now the greatest man of my life. His birthday is the day before my father’s passing, and people often express their condolences in regards to the timing of sorrow and celebration. I actually see this as the gift as well. You see, there will always be something to mourn and to celebrate. There will always be heartache and joy. God made day and night. There is balance in the world, and it is our focus that determines what is magnified.

Yes, it has been six years since I lost my father. Yes, I still feel a great loss, cry at times, and wish he were here. And, there have been great blessings and gifts since then as well. God made day and night, darkness and light. 

I choose the light.