The Enormity of Love

My father's passing has brought many emotions, however I never dreamed that love would rise to the top.

Daddy had always been my biggest advocate and even if it meant that he would somehow struggle, he wanted the absolute best for me. I was always first. My needs, wants, hopes, dreams, and heart's desire came first.

Daddy and I freely expressed our love, for as long as I can remember, and it is that which carries me. I spoke to a friend on the way to the airport as I rushed to be by my father's side, and she asked if there was anything I wanted to say to him. I couldn't believe there was nothing. I of course, wanted to tell him that I loved him as many times as I could, and that he had done everything right, but even if I didn't get that chance I knew he knew. As I stood by my daddy there were no words. All I could do was love him. It is such a wonderful feeling to know the enormity of his love and know that if I had two more minutes, hours, days or decades, there would be no more words to express our love. I am blessed to know this feeling.

After Daddy passed, I spent considerable time in his house, and found such treasures. My dad valued the little things that strangers would have thrown out. I found hand written recipes that were from my great grandmother, The Great One we called her. There were cards I had mailed over the years just to tell my father how much I loved him. I found pictures I had colored as a child, notes I had written, and the hospital bracelet from when I was born. Locked in a briefcase were no insurance papers, no money, nothing of monetary value...but a card from his parents and grand parents from when he was confirmed.

Daddy saved and treasured what mattered most. Daddy held on to love from family and friends. To Daddy, people mattered. The things you said and did mattered. When I look at his life I know I mattered. He told me with his words, showed me with his actions, and cherished when I did the same. Really, what else is there?

I am moved, embraced, and lifted by the enormity of his love.

God's Hand

I don't claim to know everything about the unseen and understand that faith is precisely that, however I know that God has looked out for me in all of the events that have taken place and would like to begin there in my story. I too want to note that there are so many things that I have seen looking back that I am sure I will not do them all justice.

My daddy, Ron Johnson, passed away Saturday, October 11, 2008. It has been the most difficult time in my life, however at the same time it has not been nearly as horrible as I had dreamed. God's hand has been on this for years beyond my comprehension and it is all beginning to unravel.

Next weekend is the Breast Cancer 3Day that I walk each year for my mother. I became ill in May and decided at that point I would not walk. For months it has been difficult for me. I now see the perfection. The weekend of Columbus day I had made various plans to use the long weekend, each fell through. I now know why. My father had gone into the hospital for a heart test. While there, he had an allergic reaction and needed to stay. His passing was not related directly to his hospitalization. Had he not been in the hospital, this could have been much, much worse. Being there, allowed him to be placed on a ventilator and allowed me to be by his side. To my father, people, family, was most important. In his passing, I have found such peace in knowing that we had such a rare relationship of freely spoken love. October 10, of 1997 I had written my daddy a letter from college to tell him just how much I loved him. It was a heartfelt note of gratitude and recognition of his love for me. I found that note in his wallet. It was written exactly 11 years to the date that I flew out to be by his side.

There are so many ways that God has prepared my heart and readied me for this day in ways I never wanted for myself. God is taking care of me, and my daddy.

Here Goes

I have done a great deal of noticing lately. I had no idea how the quiet moments were so alive and contained such joy. These quiet moments, they actually occur with a great deal of external noise in my experience, but the internal noise becomes secondary. I have learned in the stillness of my own self, to see Teague's joy. To listen to him sing at the top of his lungs is something I want to hold forever. He just sings and sings with no reservation about the incorrect words or lack of tune. He experiences and exudes such joy from moment to moment. He dances just to see his own reflection and to express the joy he can no longer hold inside. He pleases himself. When he wants you to pay attention, he says, "Yook at me." If only we could all do that and not risk looking or feeling silly. Teague is truly loving and notices the pink flowers on the side of the road. He says he is sorry when he is wrong. He gives hugs and kisses freely, and delights in putting on his own socks. I have learned from my baby boy, at the age of 3, that he is doing it right. He lives in the stillness of his own mind. He fully experiences each moment, not worrying about the next or the last. He twirls and falls to the ground, he sings the wrong words, loudly, with joy, he dances without a care if anyone sees. He shares his love, he sees beauty, he is my greatest love. I am so thankful for him and all that he teaches me about living life in the stillness.